Back to The Future

Tonight, we watched the new Michael J. Fox documentary “Still.” Can we please go BACK? BACK to a life for Ken before diabetes, low ejection fraction with his heart (2022), and now Parkinson’s Disease…just BACK. And the FUTURE, what does that bring? The uncertainty is nerve racking for me. The known, I’ve got this! The unknown…nope.

The documentary was eye opening to our FUTURE. Just recently Ken noticed the index finger on his left hand occasionally twitched. Is seems so mild it couldn’t be a Parkinson’s tremor. Too small, I thought. But MJF explains his first sign was a twitch of his pinkie. Same beginning. I look at Ken then BACK to MJF on the TV then BACK to Ken in disbelief. This is the start of more outward symptoms.

I watched the documentary thinking of Ken. What is he thinking? What is he feeling? We talked. We laughed. We planned.

I also watched the documentary thinking of me. I haven’t really thought about me. Championing my energy toward Ken. I don’t have Parkinson’s. But tonight, it hit me. It hit me hard. I have suggested small accommodations for him: a cane, handicapped parking, a shower chair. But tonight, I realized I need to prepare myself for bigger issues that can’t be purchased. Issues such as Ken falling, breaking bones, cuts, hospital trips, taking over house things that Ken has always done. I know I can do it. I can do anything and would do anything for Ken. But I’d prefer not to do these things. I prefer to go BACK and not into the FUTURE.