Bodily breach of trust; my body has let me down, now we need to build back trust

As I move through my journey with Parkinson’s Disease, I realize that my body is not as dependable as it once was. I used to be able to trust my leg muscles to hold me up and get me places. I used to be able to trust my arms and hand muscles to deliver when called upon to play beautiful concert piano music on stage. I used to be able to trust my thoughts and emotions, knowing they would be positive and helpful. Much like a partner or friend who has “let you down,” it seems like my body has committed a breach of trust. In my 58 years of life, I had come to trust my body. I knew what it could or couldn’t do, how it would or wouldn’t react to a situation, and how quickly it would come to my aid. I felt comfort in knowing and trusting my body, and readily challenged it to do more. But day by day, it didn’t answer the call. My legs let me down—now I walk with a limp and don’t feel steady. My arms and hands bailed on me—I now don’t have the strength and dexterity to practice long, difficult piano passages to the point of perfection. It is a new normal, one that I didn’t ever want and don’t care to accept.

With this bodily breach of trust, my world has seemed to shrink. I no longer drive on the highway because I don’t trust my reflexes to be quick enough should I need to avoid a crash. For that matter, I don’t really feel comfortable driving long distances around town for the same reason. However, I am working to rebuild the trust, working to regain confidence in my abilities, working to increase my strength and stamina. It’s possible, but it takes so much continuous work and effort.

When a person you care deeply about wrongs you, you have a choice to make. Do you forgive and work to mend the relationship, or do you deem the offense so inexcusable that you can’t, and won’t, give that person a second chance? If we choose the first option, the work begins. We need to allow ourselves to love that person again. We need to analyze where things went wrong and seek to fix them. We need to set boundaries so we are not hurt again. Oh, it’s so much work, and it takes so much effort! It’s kind of like seeking happiness. When we “work at” happiness, it usually evades us. Happiness tends to find us and surprises us when we least expect it.

Can we approach a bodily breach of trust in the same way, or do we need to continually work at it? I want to be pleasantly surprised by my body. When I least expect it, I want my body to step up and take the reins. I want my body to say, “I’ll drive” on that long stretch of highway because I’m tired. Oh, that would be great, but I also need to be in a frame of mind to accept the offer. I need to be living in a mental space that allows for possibilities and miracles. I need to be open to surprise blessings in new situations. Okay, I’m in! Last night, Trish and I took my car several places, and I drove. We went to the car wash, to get gas, to the kids’ house across town, and then went home. More driving than I had done in a long time. But it went well. There were no problems. I accepted my body’s offer to be trustworthy and take care of things. I enjoyed allowing that to happen, even with a few moments of hesitation and anxiety.

Today is the start of a busy, family-packed weekend. Our schedule will be tight, there will be many places to go and friends to visit with. We will have company staying with us. Our kids will be here! I am open to my body’s willingness to step up. I will trust my body to do what I need it to do, in unfamiliar situations. It’s part of the trust re-build. A great weekend awaits us!

709 words
Day 25: August 24, 2023
Success!