Beethoven Heiligenstadt Testament; work with music materials; inspiration

This morning at work, I experienced a “system error” when I tried to submit a comment about a student’s online assignment. After writing several thoughtful points which would help the student in future work, the error wiped out all of my words without submitting them. After grumbling and restarting my computer, I dove in again, undeterred. I typed all of the same comments, hit submit, and waited. Ugh! System error, no comments submitted, frustration. Not wanting to be “that professor”, who tries the same thing several times and expects different results, I learned a lesson and went on to something else. Fortunately, we had received several tubs of books and resources from my former campus. They needed to be unpacked, thinned out, and put away. I focused on this for the time being.

Recently, I wrote about the hard, manual work that my colleague and I put into dividing and sorting our departmental materials to prepare for a move to a new building. This morning, as I continued that work, I was delighted to encounter a facsimile version of an important letter by the famous composer Ludwig van Beethoven. This letter, entitled the Heiligenstadt Testament, was written in 1802 as Beethoven was beginning to feel the effects of deafness.

I didn’t need to re-read the entire letter, because I am very familiar with its message. In fact, Beethoven’s composure in the face of his deafness has long been a source of inspiration to me. Since receiving my Parkinson’s diagnosis several months ago, I feel even more tightly connected to Beethoven, especially the Beethoven who went on to function as a composer for 25 more years while he experienced varying levels of deafness. He fought his diagnosis, proverbially shaking his fist at the heavens. How could he carry on working in the music world, all the while not being able to hear? I can only imagine how he must have felt as he faced this ailment. I’m sure he experienced all the stages of grief, as I did. I’m sure he felt defeated, as we sometimes do, too. I imagine him getting himself to the point of acceptance, only to be faced head-on with a situation that pounded home the fact that he would never hear again. So much agony and misery he must have faced. So much, that he, in fact, wrote this letter as a suicide note to his brothers. He couldn’t go on without his hearing. Or so, he thought… As Beethoven thought about taking his own life and all the reasons doing so would be best, his writing starts to take a turn. He speaks of his work, his mission in life, namely to produce beautiful music for future generations. He realizes that he has so much music left to write. He is responsible to the world and to his Creator, and seeks to complete the work he has been assigned. He will live. He will write. He will overcome.

I often think of Beethoven’s cosmic struggle as I fight my own daily Parkinson’s battles. There are most certainly days I feel like quitting—days I’d rather not do Parkinson’s. I get tired. I can’t move well. I have no energy. I walk with a limp. The list can go on and on. However, I need to remember what I can do and focus on those things. I’m incredibly blessed with understanding and caring family and friends. I am grateful for meaningful employment and wonderful opportunities to help students. We live in an age of advanced medicine that has provided drugs like Levodopa to help with the symptoms. Today I renewed my belief in the helpful powers of music therapy, and wonder about a further parallel with Beethoven. Just as 25 years of continued music making seemed to give this great composer the will to carry on and produce great music until his death, I wonder if my life of music might provide even a sliver of the same results in my struggles. I believe it will. I renew my commitment to regular times of listening to, and playing music. Such structured music time will undoubtedly affect my emotional state. Research has shown that it may likely bring about physical improvement, as well.

710 words
Day 43: September 11, 2023
Success!